oh my

i know its my ault.. i dont want to be like this.. why god do i feel so helpless... hopeless
if i have anything to blame.. i balme my presence here in this place hat i hate so much.. i hate the people.. i hate the culture.. i hate the fucking language... this fucking place made me change... i hate it here.. i am scared of everything... i hate going outside.. facing the people.. going to classes seem like a battele.. everyday!!!!!.. sometime i succeed... sometime i fail.. i hate that i feel i have to force myslef to do what i am suppose to do.. why cant it come natural?? i have to force,, force... coz i am scared... i hate studying here...................
a then come exams.. i feel so stupid.. i have problem studying.. in classes.. i dont understand a thing... at hoem i played all day... maybe becoz i am not a good student... i doono why i change so much. i use to be a hardwrking student... i like studying.. being smart....... now i cant even remember what i had lucnh yesterday........ fucking stupid
i have exmas in 5 days... n  now i am writing this stupid blog coz i cant study.. nothing seem to go inside my head anymore... i studued as hard as i cpuld... but trust me. it is nor enough... i dont remember anything anymore.. i dont know what i read... i cant recall.. i am stressed.. si much to know.. so little timee... i think i already fail///
n the thing is.. i want to get the hell out of this place........ to get out .. i need t ofinish m study here....... i wasted 7 freaking yeras of my life here aleady... i want to get back.. but i need to pass my exmas first... but it is so hard... i need to pass.. but i dont think i can.. god help me... i am torn here... give me sterght to study.. please... i need a miracle... although i am not a model guy.. i missed prayers.. i do bad stuff... sometime i dont feel i am worthy of your pity... but god.. poeple like me that need most pf ur help... i need ur help.. give me sreght.. make my momory superb again.. i fel so stupid....i dfelt like i dont know anything......... GOD HELP  MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.............
ya allah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! padamu je aku merengek ya allah........ aku tau aku x baik.. aku tau aku jahat. ya allah... aku mintak ampun.. i tried to be good.... but i am a weak insan... camne ni ya allah...tolong............ aku x leh study nih.. baca2 je ngantuk... pastu asek nak menjalang kat laman gay...... i need something.... ya allah ampunka n dosaaku ya allah........ aku nak pass.. aku nak balik.. aku benci kat sini!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!............. tolong la ya allah................................ tolonggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.... berikan nur pada hati aku yg gelap gelita tanpa arah ni ya allah
i want to be a good doctor... i want to be successfull....... i want to be a good son to my parents........ help them back... AKU NAK BALIKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.....................