T_T

menangis lagi
apa ni
benci tol la
benci benci benci benci
ya allah
nak stop
penat
x suka
benci
x tahan
takot
takot
cuak
x yakin
too much
aku rasa x mampu
bosan
aku lemah
tapi berangan tinggi
bodohh
nak nangis
sbb aku bodoh sgt
lembik
malas sgt ni kenapa?
babi tol la
dah busan
dah x tahan
lama sgt
akupun x paham
siallllll
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
bende senangg
apsal aku takut sgt
ada force field yg halang
hijab kot
magnet sama kutub
x suka
 mndjmjmn.f574b93 fw3pvb74pd6v bthi

what should i do//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

ya allah

it happen again............ it is not panic attack... i call it stupidity attact........ ya allah.. why have i changed so much........ its like a total oppsite... of what i was before... how can people change like that...... i am like a total diffeent person... ya allah... i wanna be a great person.......... i want to do great things... i have the tools.. u give me a smart brain.... u give me good looks... u give talent in music... nice singing voice... but somehow i feel like i am wasting it all away.... why do i neglect all this gifts u bestowed on me... my dad told me... banyak kelebihan tuhan kasik kat ib... kalau nak banding ngan org lain.. banyak beza.... banyak sangat.. jangan la bila rasa susah isikit nak putus asa... tuhan dah kasik byk... biar la yg ni rasa susah sikit.... walaupun org lain x rasa sesusah yg ib rasa... tuhan tuh adil...
n my mom always said... tuhan takkan duga kita ngan dugaan yg kita x mampu....... tabah je.. kita boleh buat.......

still...... with all this advice.. i am like a lost puppy... i know what should be done.. but i dont know how.... i keep falling down... i keep feeling i am a victim.. aku ni x bersyukur ke...... x kan semuanya nak tuhan kasik bergolek... usaha la sikit....... usha x nak.. pastu tensen bila rasa susah..... bodoh la aku ni...... i am mad!!! i am really mad at myself... bodoh... ada masa terluang.. leka... lupa tuhan... bila susah.. terhegeh2... tensen x bertempat... padahal tuhan x duga berat pun kat aku...... kawan aku sorang cam jadi lost x leh study.. kesian die ... awek die clash ngan die... n terus terima pinangan org... die cam jadi lost. study pun x.. masa exam aku tgk die termenung je tgk luar.... so aku paham la kenapa die jadi camtu... die ada masalah........ aku ni.. masalah xde... tapi jadi cam die juagk... camne tuh??? aku x paham la diri aku ni.......
aku bersyukur sgt lepas je aku fly sini... hidup aku senang in term of duit... walaupun jiwa aku tertekan ngan suasana sini... duit sentiasa ada.. aku x mintak mak ayah pun... aku x susahkan derg.. aku gembira dapat kurangkan beban derg... satu masa.. ayah aku berenti keje.. almost a year my family cam jatuh miskin.. they didnt tell me... only after my dad dapat balik keje.. they told me... my brother tahan lapa kat univ.. x sampai ati nak mintak duit kat mama ayah sbb die tau mama ayah xde duit... adik2 aku pun agak susah time tuh...... aku kat sini senang lenang.. still aku x manfaatkan apa yg tuhan bagi kat aku..... ya allah.. ko banyak bagi kesenagnagn kat aku...... aku bersyukur sangat.. tapi aku jadi leka ya alllah........ aku leka sangat sampai abai pelajaran aku.. ask pikir nak enjoy je... jahatnya aku ni...... aku mintak ampun ya allah... somehow aku dapat rasa... someday.. mungkin kesenangan ni akan jadi kesusahan.. aku takut gile.... tuhan boleh tarik nikmat die bila2... ya allah..... ampunkan la dosa aku.. searkan la diri aku yg alpa nih... jgn sampai ko tarik semua nikmat yg ko beri kat aku.. baru aku nak sedar betapa beruntungnya aku....... rezeki alhamdulillah x pernah putus... banyak yg ko kasik kat aku... sometime aku rasa aku x deserve.. sbb aku ni jahat.. x bersyukur... aku x gunakan nikmat kau bagi sebaiknya........ aku insan lemah ya allah... sbb tuh aku selalu mintak ko bagi aku kekuatan..... give me streght........ to be a good guy... aku budak baik... AKU BUDAK BAIK!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I CAN STILL BE THAT GOOD GUY ONCE BEFORE............ I HAVE TO CHANGE BACK.... YA ALLAH AKU NAK JADI BAIKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK........ AMINNNN

no idea

semalam exam... malam sebelum exam tuh. aku jadi pelik.. i did notihng.. aku x baca.. aku baring n tido.... sampai kul 9.10 pagi....... pastu housemate aku kejut... aku x mandi pun.. salin baju.. pegi je exam tuh... mak ayah call bagi semangat.. i did not speak anything.. aku  justcakap. ye.. ok... ok.. ntah.. then jalan gi exam cam robot.. i didnt feel anything.. sampai2 org lain dah start.. aku x jumpa seat aku... aku duduk je then dapat kertas soklan..... the weird thing is. aku rasa soalan exam tuh SENANG N SIMPLE GILA>.... kalau aku study leoklok.. it is not as hard as i expexted... dont get me wrong.. i still have no idea what the answers are.... aku tibai semua....... aku jawap je apa yg terlintas.. omg. soalan ni sumpah simple n direct to the point..... x complicated pun. cuma if u dont know what the answers are.. camne nak jawap kan....... aku rasa cam.... rugi kot aku x study leklok... aku suka soalan2 die... it is not too detail... tanya sikit2 pasal almost everthing...... so sesapa yg spot soklan.. mmg susah la.. u hve to knpw all thing to score. pape pun... nak kata aku dapat jawap... banyak gila aku tibai... aku jawap semua.. ada yg aku tau.. ada yg agak2.. ada yg merapu...... tapi semua aku jawap je....... if luck on my side.. somehow aku rasa maybe ada sekelumit chance utk pass... itu yg aku rasa... tapi tatau la.. kalau tgk pada usaha aku... kalau aku tuhan... aku failkan aje diri aku.. sbb aku tahu apa yg die duk buat... study sikit... mintak lelebeh....... tapi aku bukan tuhan. aku manusia..

habis2 exam.. kawan aku sorg kata.... aku x leh buat duh....... aku rasa happy...... sbb aku pun sama.. deep down aku gembira... boleh kita sesama fail..... xde la aku fail sensorg/////// isk2.. see how evil i am,,, doakan member fail.......
lusa aku exam lagi........ kali ni tergetus dalam hati aku... i wanna stop doing nothing. i wanna start doing things....... sebelum ni.... aku jadi malas gila.. aku malas utk buat anything.... i stopped doing thing.. aku x buatlaundry.. aku x masak.. aku x kemas katil... konon2 nak study je... tapi study pun ke laut...
kali ni aku nak baca je............ baca baca baca...... sampai la berbuih mulut aku....... tapi susah la.. pala aku jadi gila pastu....... aku fikir camni...... right now.. u already failed... miracle je dapat pass kan aku..... so apa salahnya aku baca je kan........ untung2 keluar... tapi masa singkat gila.. lusa next exam.. yg nak kene baca byk nak mampus........ neuro aku x baca langsung lagi.. meuro paling banyak.... lain2aku pernah baca... ingtanya aku x tau...aku nak jadi baik la start sekarang..... no more porn.. no more lancap2... just do thing that u suppose tto do....... baca je....... belajar je.... tolak tensen2 ketepi...
merapu la entry aku kali ni........... it so weird.. n aku rasa sangat sukar difahami kot....... aku x suka entry ni........
aku just nak bertukar insidously....... tetiber... kalau aku plan2 nak bertukar. terus2 jadi alim n berazam semua... mesti x jadi... i will fall again....... kali ni.. aku just nak do it.. just do it without thinking....... just buat.. letih tido.. tensen.. letak tepi... baca je..... kan?
masuk waktu semayang...... xde leka2 lagi,,,,,,,,,,
pasal exam ni... redah je...
aku doa ngan tuhan.... apa yg terbaik utk aku... let it happen... aku kalau boleh nak pass.. tapi kaau itu x bagus utk aku.... so let it be... aku just nak usaha je... aku nak jadi dr yg bagus.. bukan yg cikai.....
tolong la ya allah

...

esok pekse.. aku x rasa pape... hati aku cam kosong.. aku cam ilang punca.. aku rasa xde daya....... aku tau nimaknanya padah. patutnya aku takut... menggelabah.. cpeat2 carik buku.. baca je mana2........ tapi aku cam dah patah semangat,,,,,,,,,, sedeh la camni............. apsal susah sgt nak paksa diri aku ni. malam tadi semnagat aku dtg kejap. dai kul 9 maalam.. aku baca sampai ke 4 pagi... 7 jan tuh.. tapi x byk pun aku cover.. lagi byk x covernyer... pastu bgn kul 11 ppagi...... seharian aku x leh study........ aku bukak buku,, x dapat fokus.. aku tido... sambil duduk.. buku kat tangan.. aku tido... nyenyak gila aku tido. macam org xde exam..... ape ni..... aku dah x betol gaknya... pastu org sumer duk ucap gudlak esok. aku rasa nak muntah........ mak ayah call... doakan supaa terang hati..... lapang hati..... ye.. hati aku mmg lapang sgt sekarang. lapang.. kosong.. xde pape... aku lost.......
aku rasa cam aku tatau apa2.. apa aku baca.... ntah ... aku malas gila nak recall........ penat la..susahnya nak kuarkan balik apa yg ko baca. aku seolah2 tatau apa2........ kalau aku agak2 je.... mmg la salah...... ya allah..... apsal ni..... aku x smyg lgi tadi
dgn sengaja aku miss asar mahgrib..... aku xde daya nak bgn.... aku ilang pedoman gakna.... aku rasa kosong....... still rasa kosong.. sbb tuh aku tulis mende ni.... sapa la sanggup baca keluhan insan bodoh yg ntah pape ni...... study malas.. pastu jadi bengong.. aku benci diri aku sekrg..... aku tatau nak tulis apa...... aku buntu. apa la jadi esok gaknya..... takutnya.........

zero

i feel nothing... my heart is empty... i don't care anymore.....
there is some presence i sense inside my head... there is a guy.. that is like looking down on me.... he looks.. n judge... n criticise .... he is like a wise person that tell me whats right n whats wrong... every decision i should make... i will let this guy decide.... although my heart wants something different.. if the guy said no... i will not do it.... i donno why.. this guy have some power over me.. maybe because i look at him as a wise.. the truth.. the logic.. all his decision is right... he knows what is suppose to be done.. n whats not...
all my life i think that having this guy in my head is great thing.. he guides me on what i am suppose to do... but laely... i started to hate him... becoz what my heart desire... i cant keep shut it down anymore... i want what my heart wants..... but it is always a bad thing.. so the guy doesnt agree.... that makes me torn.. i should listen to him... but in the same time... i dont get what my heart wants...... but when i did something bad... like what my heart wants... i feel guilty.. n i cant even enjoy what i did.. this guy keeps bugging me.... telling me i made a mistake... i should stop... i should pray for forgiveness...
every time i did something good.. its like becoz he told me to... if i made something bad.. it is becoz i turn against the guy.. n follow my heart... the thing i hate is... all my heart desires.. are always a bad thing... sometimes i feel like i am a rotten bad guy inside... my heart is evil... i am an evil person inside.. i only act like a good person.. becoz this guy always guide me... from before i could remember... he is always here... telling me what should i do.. he manage to keep my my heart down.. silence my heart... makes me obey only him...
but now... my heart is like exploding.. because it was locked inside for a long time... it wants to get out.. to get control over the guy... but the guys is so strong now.. he still in control over me... i can see that my heart is getting stronger and stronger.. but the guy still manage to control me... so now it is like a war inside myself... i dont know who to obey... i want certain things.. but i wont do it becoz i am told not to... sometimes i disobey... n then comes the guilt.. the guy will make me think about what i have done.. and shove it to my face and make me feel so guilty... i feel bad..
 so now.. i dont even know what makes me happy anymore... i am bored of obeying the guy.. but cannot run away from him... he sticks like a glue in me.... many time i just want to ignore him... but trust me i cant... i wish to jjust follow what my heart wants.. but i cant.. he is always here watching every move... i hate the guy so much... i hate my evil heart too.... i am like a 2 split person who wont agree with each other... now the two is in a cold war... and i am in the middle.. lost without guidance....... i felt empty now.. becoz now.. i ignored both of them....... so i just live like a lost person with amnesia....... i dont care about anything anymore....... god i am pathetic

demented

tadi aku baca psychiatric... organic mental problem... one of them is dementia... i felt like i am having it... lack ability to focus... lost of recent memory.... forgetfulness.. OMG... apsal rasa cam aku je.. aku pun pelik la.. serious aku rasa pala otak aku ni makin lama makin bodoh... apa yg aku baca... seolah2 aku x ingat pun..... tuh baru baca. kalau yg minggu lepas baca... lagi la.. cam seolah2 tatau apa2...  x kan la aku muda2 dan demented kot.... ear;y onset alzeimer ke? babi gila.... dulu aku teror je... baca insya allah ingat... exam pun yakin je.. sekarang asal nak exam je.. mula la gelabah.. macam2 rasa... masalahnya org kata aku je cuak sangat.. tapi i know my own ability.. if i said i dont know.. i really dont know.... aku bukan buat2...
lagi satu aku mmg la susah sangat nak focus... lagi2 bab2 membaca. asal nampak artikel panjang sikit... TLDR... too long.. didnt read... malas kot... bosan ... buat mata ku juling je nak baca....... maybe artikel tuh x menarik minat aku... tapi bila aku fikir2 balik... nothing interest me anymore nowadays.. seriously... aku tgk muvie pun sebab aku tatau nak b uat apa... aku x gelak pun bila time kelakar... bila member lain tgk.. gelak bukan main.. apa yg kelakarnya?? pelik tol la... sekrg ni aku bosan sbb tatau nak buat apa... macam2 aku cuba buat... aku dulu suka main muzik.. so aku beli keyboard.. main sikit.. bosan.. main recorder yg aku mmg ada... busan......... melampau low attention span nyer.. buat sikit.. bosan... aku tatau la.. aku cam lost.. aku tatau apa aku suka... aku dah tak fanaik ttg apa2... depressing gila hidup aku kat sini....... oo.. satu je yg aku selalu buat.. tgk porn... asal bosan je.. layan porn.. sammpai bosan kot... sampai aku x larat dah nak lancap.... so sekrg dah x tertaik dah nak tgk porn ... sbb bosan.. tapi kengkadang tgk gak sbb tuh je yg buat aku rasa something... siot la life aku ni... apekene ntah aku pun tatau...... relek la kan... aku ni je yg lelebeh drama kot... tapi ni apa yg aku rasa.. aku mmg rasa xde hala tuju......... aku x leh concentrate.... aku tatau apa yg aku nak anymore.... hidup macam plastik beg kot.. kene tiup kesana sini xde hala tuju.......

damn

i am still like a ghost..... i dont do anything... my head is as blank as a4 paper...... apekene aku nih. babi betol la... baca je la.. apa yg susahnya... aku x rugi pape pun kalau baca. untung2 masuk exam.. boleh jawap. kan??
SIAL la... aku rasa cam nak terjun bangunan je.... sial la exam... aku benci ko... aku benci sbb aku rasa aku x ready... sial la aku nih... apsal la bodoh sgt,,,,,, benci!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! makan tido tu je keje aku
duduk sebelah buku... bukak pun xnak... jap ada hijab tebal aku ngan buku......... ni sumer salah setan kot. sial la setan... kacau emosi aku.......... buat au jadi malas... babi la semua... SIAL.... aku nak jadi baik la bodoh...............
siallllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.............. apsal aku jadi camni.......... SIALLLL BABIIIIIIIIIIIIII BANGSATTTTTTTTTTTTTT
berapa kali aku hantuk pala kat dinding. supaya rasa sikit pala otak aku ni wujud... kalau x hantuk.  rasa kosong gila... kalau ikutkan.. rasa nak hantuk je kuat2 sampai concussion.. tapi penakot la plak.. tau plak takut cedera.. tau plak tuh keje bodoh. boleh plak fikir rasional x nak cedera..... tapi apa yg aku buat ni sekrg.. lagi la bodoh. cederakan masa depan aku......... boleh plak aku buat mende lain.. tgk citer.. duduk bawah selimut cuba nak tido padahal mata ni x ngantuk langsung... sialllllll
aku nak studyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy apsal rasa berat sgt........... SIALL